Unraveling the Shoulds
Whenever spring rolls around I tend to be both sentimental and aware of the passage of time, yet filled with a burst of creative energy. After celebrating a milestone birthday, one of my reflection exercises involved making a list of all the shoulds that have defined my life so far. (We all have them.)
And in making this list, I started thinking about how writers are also conditioned by the publishing industry, the patriarchy, society, etcetera, about what a creative life should look like.
Here are a few shoulds I came up with…
I should write every day
I should get up early to write
I should have published X by now
I should be further along in my draft
I should get an MFA before calling myself a writer
I should write X words during each writing session
I should be actively cultivating my “platform”
I should teach writing
I should be present on social media
One problem with shoulds is they often bypass our needs.
I should get up early to write (even if I could use more rest)
I should be further along in my draft (even if I’m taking care of young children and don’t have a lot of time to myself)
I should be active on social media (even if it’s overstimulating right now)
I should teach writing (even if I enjoy my career in another field)
Heading into my forties, I’m ready to unravel the shoulds and continue establishing rhythms that work for me, not simply fall into line because of external expectations. (I also want to recognize the immense privilege I have to even consider a new way of being in the world.)
But something I’ve come to believe about change is that most of the time, it’s not radical.
It’s not a single moment when life transforms, but in the small, deliberate choices, done consistently, that make the most difference. That’s the habit-forming kind of change required to shift how we relate to our own creativity, how we communicate with ourselves and through our stories, how and when we show up to the page.
There’s so much noise everywhere—social media, the news, even books we read. It’s easy to fall into the abyss and no longer have the capacity to hear ourselves think.
Sometimes we need to retreat and consciously come back to ourselves. So take a few minutes to write down your shoulds, and then start thinking about the ways you can prioritize yourself and you needs, wherever you are.
